Miniature Disaster

I don't want to be second best
Don't want to stand in line
Don't want to fall behind
Don't want to get caught out
Don't want to do without
And the lesson I must learn
Is that I've got to wait my turn

Looks like I got to be hot and cold
I got to be taught and told
Got to be good as gold
But perfectly honest
I think it would be good for me
Cuz it's a hindrance to my health
If I'm a stranger to myself

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes
Bring me to my knees
Well I must be my own master
Or a miniature disaster will be
It will be the death of me

I don't have to raise my voice
Don't have to be underhand
Just got to understand
That it's gonna be up and down
It's gonna be lost and found
And I can't take to the sky
Before I like it on the ground

And I need to be patient
And I need to be brave
Need to discover
How i need to behave
And I'll find out the answers
When i know what to ask
But I speak a different language
And everybody's speaking too fast

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes
Bring me to my knees

Well I must be my own master
I've got to run a little faster
I need to know I'll last if a little
Miniature disaster hits me
It could be the death of me

KT Tunstall

Rainy Day = Deep Thoughts

sitting, listening to the thunder roar over the cleansing down pour

light flashing through breaks of cover

the flicker of fire from surrounding candles

life altering thoughts drifting through sound waves of music accompanying the storm

picture less walls revealing nothing

a calm serenity but eagerness in heart

confusion enters in

dreams seem to be lost

butterfly ideas have fluttered away

the voice is gone

muteness settles in

searching through every possible break and crevice

nothing is found

wind picks up, blowing scattered writings over the room

one single thought

give up? or try and continue to fail?

A Saddened Heart

You know those times where in your heart you know you have to tell someone you love and care for something that you know just isn't going to go well? In your mind you know that they won't take it right away, but your heart keeps tugging and pulling so you know it must be said even though the consequences might be difficult to bear.
Through certain circumstances I am now in this particular predicament. One I love, I have spoken to, and their were not happy to hear it and have now shut me out.
I know that what I said must have been said, but what if I did not say it in the way it should have been stated? What if I am really in the wrong?
My heart is very saddened, and heavy burdened with the thought that this friendship could be over. It was more than a friendship too. I felt as though this person was a sibling, a younger person that I could help. Not that they needed help, but that I could be a confidant, a older sister, no matter what just be there to show affection and support.
I know a few people other than myself feel the same way with their younger friends as well, and I do have some other lovely girls that I do refer to as my sisters (though not blood, they are very sweet girls). But as Jesus said He went back for the one sheep. How can I reach the one I feel that I lost? And was it my fault? I want to reach, but I don't know if it was my fault or not. Should I have just kept my mouth shut and let things be? Wouldn't it have been worse if I never said anything?

Rosa's Chevron

Today has been a great day! Well at least so far that is :)
I went on a walk with a friend of mine down to the gas station, just for some cheap snacks and because we felt like going on a walk during our two and half hour break before small groups. We went along just talking, and enjoying the warm weather. Walking into the Chevron we looked and got what our hearts desired and our wallets could afford, and went to the register. As I was checking out, the lady behind the counter handed me this beautiful rose and said, "For you." As I uttered a thank you, as I was in shock, I realized how rare that people are just genuinely nice and social. Even though the chances of me seeing this lady again are rare, I just wanted to take the time and tell everyone about my little experience today.
How great is it then when we haven't been having a good week, God will use people and just the little things to make us smile again :)

Time and Change

It is coming to that time, where school is ending, and family will soon be here for graduation. It seems like only yesterday I was starting school and meeting all of these people who will be life long friends. I can't help but ask where all of the time went though.....?
As I have sat thinking and remembering all that this past year has entailed, I can't help but feeling like I'm losing some very dear and close loved friends. I have moved many times, and got used to the routine. Friends would always keep in touch for a bit, then it felt like watching an old movie remembering times with those friends. I started having this deepening sadness come into my heart and mind. Then I remembered, these friends, these mentors, these teachers, these people, I have come so close to, and I think it will be hard to leave them, but they will forever be in my heart and prayers. We have been through so much, and I feel like I've gotten close to these loved ones, and I've opened up which those that know me well know that that hardly ever happens ;)
Anyway I thought I would take this opportunity to say that I love all of you, and appreciate everything you all have taught me. Every single one of you have taught me something or other since the beginning of the year, even if you didn't know it. I am dearly going to miss all of you, and even though we have a month of school left it feels as if already we are all starting to drift into the next steps of our lives. I hope we all continue to keep strong, looking toward to graduation, and patiently waiting to see our families again.
I hope we all keep in contact, whether facebook, myspace, blog spot, email, phone calls, or even my favorite old fashion hand written letters :) Thank you all, and I will miss everyone!

Music

Whatever happened to the innocent love that was so sweet and pure that it gave complete and total ecstasy? Everything was better... taste, smell, everything. What happened? What happened to loving to sing out, and just enjoy the mood and the feel the music gave? Instead now its silence, shyness, and almost complete utter dissonance. Is a return possible? Is there a chance? Can the voice that was once open, and is found suppressed... can it return stronger with a heavenly tone? Without a hint of shyness, without a fear, without the feeling of hopeless disgust? The only thing that is sweet is the sound, the feel, the old fearless heart sending out music. If there is any chance at all, what needs to be done? It feels that without this love, without this life sustaining part of me that I will fall into a state of defray.

Music by Joss Stone
Nothing in this world got me like you do baby, I'd give up my soul, If I couldn't sing with you daily, I'm not the only girl, In love with you it's crazy, I appreciate your groove, Now I know I owe everything to you, Music, I'm so in love with my music, The way you keep me, Movin, Ain't nobody doing what you're doing, Doing, doing, So bring me back to the day, When tape decks press play, DJ drop the needle til the, record just break, You are my sunlight, You are the one mic, That sound so sweet because the beat just inspires me, No limit to your mind, Your endless love is open, To every race and kind, Could it be your blood runs golden, Baby if this world were mine, We would be singing in the Key of Life, When you're gone I can't survive, Cause I just can't be without my, Music, I'm so in love with my music, The way you keep me, Movin, Ain't nobody doing what you're doing, Doing, doing, So bring me back to the day, When the tape decks press play, DJ drop the needle til the, Record just breaks, You are my sunlight, You are the one mic, That sound so sweet because the beat just inspires me, Colours of sound, Scales and beauty, Audio scenery, Electric love and, Rhythmic symmetry, Written in memory, Beautifully crafted scenery, Complex or simplicity, Sonic energy, Piercing insensitivity, Sympathetic poetry, For some even identity, Collective entity, Something to belong to, A source of energy, The possibilities, Wave lengths and bandwith, Higher vibration, Energizing entire lands with, Or stand for, Lovers to walk hand in hand with, Then plan for, Sanctuary chords, Harmony, melodies, even riffs can be, Disguised human essence, Sonically bottled ecstasy, Or melancholy, Agony blues angst, Exercising anxieties, Fueling entire societies, Making economies, Stimulating generating, Inspiration synonymously, Entertaining expression, Intangible invisible but undeniable, Plays the language of excitement on survival, Some call it tribal, But perspective is everything, Connected to everything, Some say collectively everything, Music, I'm so in love with my music, The way you keep me, Movin, Ain't nobody doing what you're doing, Doing, doing, So bring me back to the day, When tape decks press play, DJ drop the needle til the, Record just break, You are my sunlight, You are the one mic, That sweet sound so because the beat just inspires me.....

I need to get back to that. Music is such a love, I need to get back to express that. I need it. I need to be able to have a voice. To be able to express, to be able to show, to be able to explain, to be able to just play/sing. To enjoy and partake in, MUSIC.

But what if I can't get back?

Dreams or possible reality?

I wish the thoughts flying around in my head would either become reality or escape into the abyss to never resurface. It is possible that I'm the only one that feels this way, but it is still in my heart and mind. So what do I do about it? I am working towards one day hopefully fulfilling my dreams and aspirations, but at this point right now, I feel like it is impossible. Its like I am sitting in the practice rooms, just practicing for hours upon hours, trapped in that room. Wanting and waiting to be "decent" enough to one day actually play. Not just to play but to really play, fully with emotion and life play the story. Be apart of the show. In the stone cold walls of this room I feel that I am staying still, like life outside that door has kept time and I am off beat. Like I will never get out of the practice room, that I'm in an ulterior world. Maybe right now I am just on the wrong song, maybe my song isn't up until a few more tracks are done. What if it isn't the case though? What if I am not even close? What if I'm not even on the record? Does that mean that I should just go back to the practice room? Or should I just put down the instrument, the pen, close my mouth with lips tight shut and walk away? Would that be escaping into the abyss? Or just silencing my heart? Would that be better? Than to just keep trying to attain the dreams and aspirations that seem so impossible, so that the even slight possibility of playing will never again return? I wish the thoughts flying around in this empty cavity once filled with an organ, would make some kind of regular activity to create a breeze that would push dreams and aspirations into reality, for just working for them alone does not seem to create a melody.

Darfur

Lately it has been brought to my attention that many people do not know about the genocide going on in Darfur. How is that? It is just like the Holocaust or Rwanda. People hear but they do not want to believe. So what do they do? Nothing. They live their normal day to day lives. Forgetting that their brothers and sisters are across the globe getting killed, burned, raped, and tortured. In this present day how can we just stand by? Why will the UN not go into Sudan? Why is it so hard to get it to stop, when they so easily started? I fear that the most important question I ask myself as I ponder this in all of its darkness, is why is God allowing this to happen? I can't answer this question. I don't understand, and even if God enlightened me, I would not be able to comprehend. Such a horrible thing is happening. The news won't fully cover it. So many people don't know. So many won't believe the images and stories they see and hear. What is going on in our world? Where is the compassion? Where is our hearts? Why does it seem we can't do anything? I pray for answers. I pray for a way to help. Why is it that there is so much wrong with our world, but when it doesn't affect people directly they think about how good they have it, and then forget about the trouble going on? What is going on? I don't understand. God give me enlightening on what to do......

Christian Artists and the Music Industry

"To glorify God, does that mean we have to only write worship songs? Or only write songs that are to Him?" This question and statements like it I heard in class the other day. I'm not going to say whether it is wrong or right but what I think of this. As I consider myself a musician/lyricist, and as a general music admirer I have to say that I think music is emotionally expressing what is in your heart, and pouring your soul into it. This being said, why should we just continue to write songs to God or for God restating things that we have already stated in a new way. Such as new worship songs, that are basically saying the same thing as in the old hymns or older songs. I said "just". So don't start assuming that I think writing songs to God and for God about how we view Him or how we want Him to reign in us, is overrated. I am simply stating that I think as Christians, and as musicians we have to express how we feel. If I am really upset and don't understand what is going on in my life, I will write about it, because I like to journal. I may even write a song about it. It may go something like, "there is all this confusion, nothing to lose, and my heart is so lost in this place, of madness" I can clearly go on to say that something that is going on or why I am confused, and it could be a prayer to God, or you know what it could just be me venting. I could make it into a full song, I could change it to say I'm mad about ___, ____, and ___. I can still do it in a way that in tasteful, and that doesn't go against my Christian views. I don't have to come out and say hey this is about God, and my challenges, I don't have to say this is a prayer, I can just pour out my heart and say I feel discouraged or I feel upset. Even if I write something as a full song, it doesn't mean that I am going to show it to the world. Sometimes I believe, that certain writings are just between you and God. Sometimes there may be a message to share, doesn't have to be the Gospel, could be about anything, getting a cup of coffee, sitting and pondering classic books. Those are probably something I would actually be prone to thinking about or doing. So I apologize for it wouldn't appeal to everyone, but why should it? We are all different and think differently. The word clearly states that, "there is a time for everything" (Ecclesiastes 3) I have seemed to deter from my main subject, but why should we only write things restating things we have previously stated? Shouldn't we be expressing our true feelings? Isn't that what music is? An expression/ expressions? Is it not right to write something or sing something that doesn't necessarily have God as the main focal point? What if we wrote about how we got out of a struggle? Or how we are viewing the world? Does that mean we don't love God? As Christians we are not to cause our brothers or sisters to fall, so if that is happening I can very well understand needing to stop writing whatever it is that is causing that. I believe that we should be able to express ourselves in songs or in just writings. I don't mean that if you happen to write a song on how mad you are that you should publish it or put it into a record and put it out there for the whole world to see, but maybe there is other songs about having someone close to you die and how you are feeling about it. That could be very useful, it could be the words or the message that someone else needs to hear because they are going through the same thing. Anyway I think we should write songs that are yes glorifying to God, but that doesn't mean we should not express certain feelings or expressions that could help someone else that is in the exact spot, or feeling the same thing as us.

Sunday Morning Worship

 I am currently going to a school of worship, called Ocean's Edge. A group of us played worship this last Sunday morning in the "gym" service, which is also known as the overflow service. We had an interesting experience. Most of us aren't from this area, and have come from out of state or from out of the country to attend this school. The worship teams from almost all of our "home" churches aren't fully equipped with the money or resources that we are here, so you may say that we are spoiled. We had quite a full band on stage, almost a mini Hill-song group. Two acoustic guitarists, two electric guitarists, two singers, a bass player, keyboardist, and a drummer all on one tiny stage. Rehearsals and practices before hand are crucial for any group that is going to play any type of music in public. Our drummer, though as amazingly gifted as he is, didn't have a chance to practice with the rest of the band before Sunday morning. So rehearsal time before service was quite shaky unlike all of the other rehearsals we have had so far this year, which made it surreal to us how it will be once returning to our "home" churches. I say surreal because most churches run off of volunteers running the sound board, volunteer musicians, and singers. They all have either a job or family, or something else that occupies their day. Unlike us at school this year, where all we do is study leadership, the Word, and music. We struggled through practice, and got every one on the same page as cliche as it sounds, and ended up pulling it together for the actual worship service. Now perfection isn't something that is likely to happen no matter how good you are, or how much you practice. No one is perfect no matter how much we try to be. For the sake of striving to be the best we are capable though, we did quite well I believe. I do know that some members of the band struggled actually worshipping during the time of worship though. As I thought about this I realized something. We should be as prepared as we can for when we play or do anything, but when it comes down to it, are we really just worshipping the Lord? Isn't that why we are here? After church was over some of us had been talking about how weird of a situation it was for us. We have been so used to, well since we started school, to having everything at our fingertips. If we need a DI there is one in the cabinet, if we need a 1/4 inch cable we know where to find one. Back home however, not everyone is going to have that. Not every one will have two acoustic guitar players, or a keyboardist, or maybe an electric guitarist. No matter what though the main point is to be fully and wholly surrendering ourselves to God, to be worshipping Him. God doesn't care if we have a band as big as Hill Song or if we have a small acoustic set with two singers. God cares that we are using what He gave us to do what He desires. I personally need to take that to heart. I may not be the best guitarist, or singer, but I am going to use fully what God has given me, or try to. I say try to because as humans we are prone to sin, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try my hardest not to.